You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
