I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
