shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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