Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize