is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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