And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
