I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
