I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
