you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
