What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
