I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
