Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
