everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
