I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
