I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
