i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
