I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
