Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
