what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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