look no pants
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
