I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
