Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
