It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
