Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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