even my farts smell like vagina
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Your penis caused this!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
