I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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