I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
