when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
