he shaved USA in his pubs
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
