A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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