This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
