shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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