i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
