We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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