i was born a porn star she said
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
