I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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