wrigley field is MILF paradise
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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