I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
