a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
