Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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