Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
