i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
