The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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