i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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