i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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