I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
