I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have already put on my inside pants.
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