So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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