you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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