based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need a burrito and a hug.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just pee around me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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