it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
