I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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