hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
