I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
