I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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