she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
