is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
