I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
